Reflective - Nobody’s Puppet

 Growing older and wiser?

I have had a birthday. And I am feeling it.
Not so much physically although we all know old age doesn't come itself. I am on the cusp of my half-century though still plenty time to plan its celebrations. My birthday passed with little comment. Nobody really bothers at these random years. But physically I am 20 yrs old than the age my brain thinks I am. And it niggles!

Yet bizarrely it is my stability now that is giving me pause. and flashes of regret. Like so many I wish I knew then what I think I know now.

·      I wish I knew that my parents were doing the best they could with what they had.

·      I wish I knew that poor mental health was a thing 30 yrs ago and not just a modern day concept.

·      I wish I knew that happiness is not a place but a people.

·      I wish I knew that I didn’t have to throw myself in at the deep end and pray I could swim.

·      I wish I knew I could lose weight properly and keep it off (for me a big part of my self esteem issues)

Over the years, as a very slow learner, 

·      I have learnt that I don't need to titles or roles to be an asset or a worthy colleague. 

·      I have learnt to pause, ask questions and make decisions – not just rush to say ‘of course I will’

·      I have learnt I am nobody's puppet (except maybe for my children!)

Perhaps most importantly I have learnt I can’t fit in. I never could and it is exhausting trying.  How I wish I learnt this at a young age.  How I wish I knew it was a gift and not a curse to be me. 

I am a child of God and He loves me. I still believe the most powerful, prophetic message we can share is that most simple but divine truth.  I am a messed up individual with more flaws than anyone can ever know. My mistakes are in my past, glittering like broken glass on a path. I have failed God. And yet he loves me still.

I don’t doubt when that big 5 0 comes around I’ll be regretting mistakes, wondering what it means to be a human being, if I haven’t joined the heavenly ragamuffins first! 

But for now, there is a freedom in laying down the need to fit in or be another's puppet. And at the tender age of 47 I am truly learning who I really want to be, rather than what others think I should be. I don’t fear dying but I don’t want to get old. Yet I can’t deny with age comes wisdom…(well a little!).  

I wonder if you spotted it.  Took me a moment and I wrote it. Learning who I want to be, not what others expect me to be. Remember you are a person not an object. God made you and he loves you.  Plus we learn the most from our mistakes…

Be loved. Be you as God made you to be for you are a new creation! 

Anyone who is joined to Christ is a new being; the old is gone, the new has come. 

2 Corinthians 5:17