Hello,
Long time no post! Hope you are staying the course…
If truth be told I have been feeling kinda flat at the moment. Nothing is wrong and my life is ‘perfect’ as it can be. Yet I can’t shake the numbness of time. I can fake it til I make it. I can show the wonder, energy etc and I do feel that in the moment but it remains fleeting. But around the edges I feel flat, going through the motions. The doctor asked me when my world collapsed a couple of years ago if I was depressed. I don’t think so but I wonder what I am…I am prone to these wells of self-pity and seem to need a little more drama in my world. Yet I am not sure what I am looking for either.
I genuinely miss 121 life (Church of Scotland National Offices). I miss the cut and thrust, the thin lines and the balancing acts. I miss the energy of ideas and the push and shove of competing passions. I miss the interactions, coffee catch ups, even snide comments! The years of engagement have compromised parish life…
I struggle with monotony and everyday ness. Not because in and of itself it is without merit. Of course there are times when these are good things. After all we can’t live with high drama all the time. But in a pandemic the variety and spice of life and ministry is curtailed. The pressure of home life that demands my attention as some kind of gendered role keeps me distracted from my discontent whilst also adding to it.
The model of the parish church misses the mark. I recently received pity because churches are no longer full. It was genuine care for me and I was touched but left wondering. A debate on social media about holy ground, holy space and sanctuaries left me wondering whether we have become so fluid that there was nothing left to hold onto. Or is that a good thing?
I keep asking God for clarity, for vision, for wisdom, yet like Saul waiting for Ananias I am still blind.
Lord, I cannot keep doing nothing.
There has to be more.
And in the silence that followed the outpouring of prayer shared above came a string of ideas, and a stirring of passion, energy and creativity.
When I truly start to think what I might do, what my church family might do I feel stronger, confident and the spark brightens.
And you know the Lord said;
Be present - Be Available.
At that point this wee mouse crossed the patio and as I watched him I felt touched. Every minister has a church mouse…he was struggling with the heat of the day and so together we shared an apple and then I released him back into the wild (as wild as it gets in urban EK).
I don’t know if the mouse is symbolic, but certainly I have never held one or fed one on purpose. And it was precious.
I don’t know what the future holds but I am convinced who holds mine just as I briefly held the mouse.
So if you are struggling with the pace of life just now - hang in there and pray. God hasn’t left us and there are adventures and indeed dramas to come.
Just dear Lord, let this not be the calm before the storm!
Love Sarah
