There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from their works, just as God did from his. Hebrews 4:9-10
Sometimes life just has a way of crushing you and you don’t even realise it until the burden is lifted - even just a little. Don’t worry this isn’t one of those moan fests though sometimes you need one of those too. I guess it is just some observations from an optimistic idealist who is apparently too nice for her own good, a diplomat but occasionally fiery and fierce! However, I also believe that I have a responsibility to share the hard stuff as well because all too often its the ‘perfect’ image that we share. Mental health is too important and confession is good for the soul.
Last week I got to the point of ‘I can’t be bothered’. I just couldn’t summon up the desire to write a service never mind record one. I didn’t feel like a minister, just worn out and blue. I contemplated using the material being provided nationally (which is excellent) but I knew I was just being lazy because I can provide worship. Eventually I did get it done and it was fine, because of Himself. But it was my line in the sand. I knew I had to take some quality down time.
I took the weekend off. Did nothing on the Saturday that counted as work or housework. Deliberately. With family or alone; I baked cakes, I watched a movie, I finished a novel, I went for a long run (7 miles for me is a long run!), I played a card game with all the family - I did all the things I wanted to do. Productive but not stressed. Sunday did some pottering in the house but kept it chilled. I ate food without counting calories. And I made Monday 1st February my refresh day.
Monday I wrote in my journal for the first time in far too long, I read God’s word without it being work related, I listened to a ten minute piece of meditative music in prayer, and I pushed the reset button. Tuesday morning the pressures of home and school and work came barrelling back down on me but in a moment of clarity I pushed back. Out loud I heard myself say:
I am a minister and I want to get back to ministering.
And it felt good. Really good.
It was like claiming my identity back. I have been really struck by the lectionary reading and my personal reading how folks struggled with Jesus being ‘from’ Galilee. Or Philip asking if ‘anything good can come from Nazareth’? Jesus it seemed faced identity issues as well but he always knew who he was and where his true identity lay. I have been struggling with mine.
Being a mum and wife have never been under threat although adding teacher to mum has been gruelling, but my identity as a minister has certainly been eroded through the lockdowns and then starting in a new church where I have met about 15 people in person! I realised how low I had got and how tough the last three months had been. Moving house and charge plus COVID and home schooling. It has been super tough for all and I know how fortunate I am.
I share this not for pity but to encourage anyone feeling low - you are not alone. I know my life hasn’t magically improved but I feel more able to continue to move forward. Private time with God and proper rest days at home that includes your version of fun are so important. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Hang in there!!! Finding my identity again as a loved child of God, even a wayward one, has really helped put everything else in perspective. Still going to be ups and downs but that is life. And teachers - you are beyond awesome!
Take it all to God in prayer, do something fun no matter how small and know that you are loved by God, even if you are feeling somewhat distant from him. He hasn’t left you, but would love it if you stopped by if you have been somewhat absent. Trust me!
But I will sing about your strength; every morning I will sing aloud of your constant love. You have been a refuge for me, a shelter in my time of trouble. Psalm 59:16
Every blessing
Love Sarah
