When the people who had gathered there to watch the spectacle saw what happened, they all went back home, beating their breasts in sorrow. All those who knew Jesus personally, including the women who had followed him from Galilee, stood at a distance to watch.
Sometimes even with the best will in the world all one can do is stand back and watch. Even Peter who wanted to change the outcome finds himself silenced, in tears, helpless and heartbroken. We often call it guilt as he focus on his betrayal. But I have come to see it as grief as well.
That moment of utter helplessness as you watch the world in front of you collapse. All Peter thought he knew about himself, about Jesus, about his future fell apart in that sound. As the crock crowed Peter felt the grief fall on him. It is a different kind of grief to mourning a loved one although there are similarities.
It is one many of us have faced and for many of us in the Church it will hit us too. Maybe you have already hit the wall of grief. It is when your heat breaks into a thousand pieces and without warning the pain feels like an eruption that spills out from your heart, lungs and soul. The tears fall unbidden and try as you might you cannot silence the wail. The wave of grief crashes over you, threatening to drown you.
Peter felt guilt but also grief. He had carried the tension of those previous weeks and days, fought for Jesus, desperately tried to support his dearest friend and understand it all. But when the powers-that-be took Jesus,-' destroying the Temple' through their actions, handing him over to be crucified, confident that they were in the right, his followers were lost, confused and scared.
Sometimes sacrifice must come before glory, sometimes grief before a fresh start.
I hit my wall of grief for and about the Church of Scotland on Saturday 25h April. Writing up notes for a congregational meeting, where one church (not mine) is marked for closure, and the ministry of 3 becomes 1.5 for a parish of 13,000+, known as Church of Scotland or non-denom plus knowing this is reflected across the Kirk, I felt guilty and grief-stricken.
I stand watching, helpless.
Yet I remain determined to do the best I can with the calling I have been given.
The women stood and watched.
They also went to grave to weep and dress the body.
And we all know how that goes.
They end up being the first to preach the good news.
We don't know what lies ahead but press forward. For with our God anything is possible and Jesus defeated death and even Peter is restored.
Watching can be active not just passive.
Every blessing especially today.
Love Sarah.
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