The Guilt of Grief

 Simon Peter said, “I am going out to fish.”

The others said, “We will go with you.” So they went out and got into the boat. They fished that night but caught nothing. John 21:3

This wee story happens after the resurrection of Jesus, and Simon Peter is caught in a grief cycle.  He is mourning his betrayal of Jesus, denying he knew him three times.  The cockerel crows and Peter weeps bitterly.  Now Jesus is back, not quite the same but still Jesus.  And Peter is lost having been the natural leader of the group, and a dear friend of Jesus.  Jesus had promised to make him the rock upon which the Church is built, but surely not now.  Yet he had brought it upon himself.  He had set himself up for the fall, and boy, did he fall.  But now what?  So he takes himself back to what he knows best.  Fishing, but wouldn’t you know, he couldn’t even do that right.  

Living in this time, for those of us who are blessed brings with it the guilt of grief.  The famous 5 stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are well known.  But today, I want to think about the guilt of grief, that is those who are grieving but don’t believe they have the right.  We have a roof over our head, food on the table, money to pay the bills and our families, though distanced are well.  We know of death and we mourn for friends and the community, but though the damage of the virus surrounds us, we are ‘safe’.  And yet we grieve too.  

Like everyone we grieve what was.  We mourn the loss of just dropping round to see friends, of picking up the grandchildren from school, of nipping into the shops just for a wee look-see.  We put on a brave face as our child or sibling or parent celebrates a birthday in lockdown, wondering if Zoom is a gift or a curse! 

“When will the Church be back?” - oh I’d be rich if I had a £1 for each time I’m asked that.  Heavens, I think I’d be made for life if I had the answer.  We mourn our social gatherings from the Church to the pub, the stadium to coffee shop.  I read recently that if I’d known it was the last time I was going to eat out, I’d have taken the dessert.  And you know I had to agree. 

Grief exists in us all.  And yes, for some grief is bereavement.  The tangible grief that comes with death, where life has been changed forever.  And we look with compassion upon those truly grieving and it compounds our guilt for our grief.  For surely we are just inconvenienced and normal will return one day. 

I suspect, (and remember I’m no expert), that we are like Peter.  We have gone fishing and wondering why we caught nothing.  There is no going back to what was.  What has happened cannot be undone, just like Peter couldn’t take back his betrayal.  Fishing was his old way of life, his previous normal, but that didn’t work. We can’t go back.  All we can do is move forward, and importantly let go of the guilt of grieving. 

The weight of grief is heavy enough.  It is real. It is a deep, unspoken sadness we are scared to share in case we are called out as frauds.  I want to encourage you to own your grief, in ways that are right, safe and helpful for you.  In facing our grief together,  we can move forward together, supporting and encouraging one another.  Guilt will only drag us down and cripple us, isolating us by making us out to be wrong somehow.  

In the story, Jesus encourages Peter and the others to try one more time.  This time Jesus is with them and there is more fish than they can handle. God is generous in his care, his love, his provision.  He is also able to lift the burden of guilt as he did for Peter.  Peter had to face his reality, rather than be buried under it.  We have to face our reality.  And that might take some time but eventually the journey of grief leads us to acceptance.  God can help us lift the burden of guilt, and shower us with compassion, care, and love. 

I don’t know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future. And I know that Jesus said we are blessed now.  Blessed are they who mourn for they shall be comforted.  Let God comfort you.  Let go of the guilt of grieving and trust God to comfort you in your grief.  And Lord God, may I practice what I preach! 

God bless you, 

Love Sarah